Rage – Frustration – Irritation

There is rage inside me. A frustration that I didn’t know I had inside me, until now. Having gone through recent episodes of outbursts, I realised I am getting irritated to any and everything. There is a restlessness. Restlessness in taking steps to pursue my dreams. Restlessness when it comes to relationships, can’t handle patterns that hurt me in the past anymore. Even a slight hint of traits in the other person that had once crumbled me down, make me run away. I am letting go of people, and not in peace, but in frustration. I no longer wanna deal with inconsistencies, unclear actions, indecisive statements. I wanna scream loud. But the scream doesn’t come to my throat. I wanna beat the shit outta of any inanimate object. But I don’t. I wish somebody could understand that I need myself to feel loved, for once. I wanna be heard. For once, I don’t wanna be the ear that listens and connects empathetically. Well, empathy is dying waise bhi. I no longer delve into emotional things a lot. I run away at the sight of them, at the mention of such incidents. After all these years, now, I don’t wanna fuckin’ read between the lines anymore. I wanna experience things as they are, and not find any meaning to them. I wanna live life a bit materialistically, a bit superficially, and experience all the pleasures and leisures that a life has to offer to a person who has worked hard to earn those pleasures.

Peace – 7th Nov’22

Good Morning Sheetal!

Today is a very beautiful day. Although it started with a lil bit of chaos. But, nevertheless, it is still beautiful. I know you are listening to Dil-e-Nadaan from ‘A Suitable Boy’ by Kavita Seth.

You can see the gorgeous sunlight in front of your study desk. Slight breeze adds to the aesthetic vibe. Intermittent sounds of ‘cooker ki seeti’ from the baaju wala room add to the vibe. I feel as if I am in a small city of U.P. somewhere like Banaras. Although I have never been there! Haha!

Chalo, enjoy your day!

Letter

It is strange. How on the New Year’s day, all you think of amidst every other thing that you have going in your life, is that one person. It is a mystery to me always, how I fall in love with someone and sometimes can’t even say to myself whether it is love, or just infatuation, or a strong liking, or an obsession, or a habit, or attachment, or just a craving for an unfulfilled wish. Having so many things going on in your life, when you are finally working towards your dreams, finally building new habits, finally being positive about things, neglecting the negativities, spending more time with family and friends, and feeling actually happy after all this time, feeling balanced, feeling that you are finally getting back your centre, your focus, again! Inspite of all these things, you just end up thinking about that one person. When you start missing them in your good as well as bad times. The thought that you just wanna message them, the thought that you just wanna let them know that you’ve been thinking of them. Yet, you can’t. Because you have to let go!

Why can’t you get rid of this feeling? Why can’t you stop adoring the person for all the good things that they have? Why can’t you forget how genuine they have been? Why can’t you forget how respectful they have been towards almost every person they come across? Why can’t you unsee their humility when they try to learn from people and give heed to opinions of people who are younger than them? Why can’t you dismiss the fact that they never try to show that they are a know-it-all, even when they are intellectually more mature than most of the people in the room? Why can’t you be oblivious to the fact that inspite of them outgrowing people in their social circle, they still hang out with them, giving everyone due respect? How can someone be such a good person? And why can’t I be with them? How can they be special, yet enjoy even the most basic things of life with utmost pleasure and still not expect everything to be over the top! How can someone be so ‘not objective’, who doesn’t see people for what they bring to their life, but accept them just as they are!

I know I know, people shouldn’t be put up on a pedestal. Nobody is perfect! Each one of us have our own insecurities, bad behaviours, etc etc. I know you have stopped expressing these days. You don’t speak it out loud.

Trust me, I have seen the subtle actions that shout to me that you too reciprocate. But I just discard all those signs thinking that they might just be a sign of my overthinking. Prove me wrong na!

Meditation

Earlier I used to fear sitting for even 5 mins of meditation. The thought of having to face my thoughts so upfront was scary. Especially in the phase when I was frequently going through episodes of overthinking and anxiety.

But the past two months have been a major transformative phase in my life. It started with just one firm decision one day. I was like, “That’s enough! I need to join a dance class”. I chose the first slot of the day, before the first batch of students swarm in for their fitness dance class. The dance studio is located at an amazing place. The building itself is a lil vintage type, not reallly vintage, but definitely not a modern one, which I like! Yes, I am fed up of mere boxes as buildings these days. I wanna see some uniqueness. Anyway, the studio is in the first floor which has a terrace. The sight of the wideee roads from there and a park at the front, with the golden sunlight early in the morning and chilly breeze, just add up to the amazing vibe! Ah I totally love it!

So, this decision, made me to start making small decisions for every next step that I need to take in a day, which ultimately made me have a routine. So even before I officially start my day at work, I am already done with the most important tasks. Done with my dance, yoga and meditation, breakfast, newspaper, and even shower. And then I sit for my work. Ah, such a nice feeling to be active and totally pumped up for the day since the beginning of your work hour. I feel totally fresh and much much focused.

So now coming to the meditation part. So, it’s not something that is very intensive for me right now. I am a beginner, like total beginner. I started off with sleep meditation on an app called ‘Insight Timer’. You guys can check it out too. It has many free guided sessions. The guided sessions which involve visualisation and soft music work for me. The sleep meditation was calming. But eventually I stopped sleep meditation. Don’t know how and why.

But I incorporated it in my morning Yoga routine.

So my meditation basically involves playing some soothing, some spiritual, some religious songs, some soft unplugged versions, and visualisations. And trust me, doing this really really calms me down, helps me bring focus to my breath, to my centre, the (chakra in your head) as they say. Yes, I can somewhat feel it. And slowly, the other thoughts start to fade away. I literally just visualise ‘aesthetic’ or ‘escape into nature’ type visuals while listening to these songs, and it works for me. Sometimes, I speak to myself in my mind that I am getting back to my centre. And other calming statements that are spiritual, like, gratitude, giving away the fate of results to the Universe (to God), having faith that now you have unloaded yourself from disturbing thoughts, concerns, overthinking and insecurities and have given this task to God to do what’s best for you!

This letting go of power and having faith doesn’t mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It just means, that I say to myself that I have done what needed to be done and leave the rest on some supreme power. This way of spirituality intensified when one of my friends asked me whether I pray. I replied a no and he said that I should have some faith. And I myself had a similar philosophy in life, but just that I wasn’t consciously practicing it until now.

During one of my meditation sessions, on a day when I was already a little concerned about what complexities I had within myself, I literally started choking with teary eyes I guess, I felt vulnerable, but in a good way. It felt a positive vulnerability. It felt as if I was confronting all of the negative emotions, which made me almost cry, realising that I did have some pain in my life, with myself and that pain was genuine. But, I felt that feeling, and the feeling left me. This entire session felt like this.And that was such a nice feeling. I got reminded of this instance today because I watched a reel of Ranveer Allahabadia and he was mentioning that the first meditation experience can be scary and negative. And he has had episodes when he has cried or had outbursts of anger while meditating, and I could relate to that.

Although, whatever I have written here comes from a very short span of time, literally just 2 months. But it has had solid impact on me. I hope the results of all of this will be visible to me more profoundly in the coming months, but for now, what’s important to me is that, because of all this, I am finally doing things that I needed to do for a long time to create the life that I’ve always wanted for myself! ❤

I hope I’ll give you some more good updates from my life in the upcoming months ! ❤

And yeah, love and best wishes and strength and courage and faith, to everyone who’s picking up the pieces and finally gearing up to heal and to create the lives for themselves. ❤

My Complaints with Online Meetings

…virtual meetings and phone conferences make it difficult for people to pick up on social cues, causing people to repeat themselves, talk over others or raise their voice to be heard.

https://abc11.com/sore-throat-voice-fatigue-zoom-meeting-work-from-home/10516377/

My topmost source of irritation while attending online meetings is this… People modulating their voices to intolerable levels. Be it the pitch or the loudness, damn. I just can’t take it anymore. Moreover, it’s hard to understand social cues and so common to talk over each other. If you’re meeting in person, you can at least see when is someone trying to say something and stop to give them the space without talking over each other a lot. But online meetings are so full of this. This is sooo soo soo frustrating. And it’s even more frustrating when you have to listen, and don’t have anything to say. Silently just tolerating all these online stimulations is too much.

I have recently developed regular headaches, don’t know what is the trigger for this. As I type this post, I am attending a meeting, in which right now I don’t need to get involved, but just be there. God. Please someone save me from this. People should understand that they should argue softly…. 😦 It’s a pain in the ears hearing loud and high pitched arguments daily and that too for long durations.

Real Issues

As time passes by, I get more clarity on the real reasons behind most of my sufferings in life. I realise how much OCD has seeped into my everyday routine and everyday thought process. So much so, that it has now even built up regular arrivals of anxious phases. I was just going through OCD symptoms today. Earlier I used to think that I just have OCD wrt the germophobia (mysophobia). But that’s not just it. OCD can refer to general obsessions and compulsions as well. And I got to know I do have its effect on soooo many routine things in my life.

Lately, I don’t know how the anxiety has fuelled up. Earlier it used to be once in a while that I got those anxiety attacks, which used to show up as physical symptoms. Now, it has become quite frequent. Anyway, I am dealing with both these things and am hopeful that I will get better with them. But while I am still living with these in such intensity, it gets really difficult at times. Your mind’s stuck in a loop and your head just aches. You don’t really know what is that thought that’s making you feel this way. But you feel there’s something stuffed inside your head, that’s even occupying physical space, sucking up both your physical as well as mental energy and you are left gasping for breath. A few times you may even find your heartbeat racing. There are occasional feelings of tightness in your chest.

To be honest, there’s a certain kind of guilt attached to expressing experiences of mental problems. Sometimes you start questioning yourself, why is there even a need to share about your mental problems? Just to tell people that you’re in the league too? Or do you want them to sympathise with you? Or you just feel that having mental issues is elitist?

They are not. Trust me. Everybody goes through it. But maybe, people from not so privileged phases in life, might sometimes not be able to exactly pinpoint what mental problem are they facing or whether are they even facing any.

I don’t know. I still sometimes feel, not so okay with sharing about this. But it’s fine. I was occupied with these thoughts today and did in fact had a phase of mind being stuck in a loop and hence decided to share.

Overwhelmed

I just feel really overwhelmed and anxious with the current phase at my work. It’s all new, no clear guidelines what to do. I get stuck at almost every step because there’s some or the other issue with my access, or some build issues. And it’s scary to reach out to seniors every single time I encounter them. And to be very honest, I feel I am facing way more technical issues than any other co on-boarder must be facing. I don’t know why. It feels like being left in the middle of the sea.

It’s so much overwhelming today that I feel bad in the gut. I feel nauseous.

Insecurities

Why do I often come across situations where somehow, the special person shows interest in one of my friends. And then, after that point, even though I just take it neutrally and normally, try to avoid it like a mature person….. it’s difficult to not have a slight hint of remembrance of the fact whenever I see my friend. And from there arises this comparison, that damn, their fashion sense is better than mine. Their ‘chill attitude’ is better than mine. They will be more cool to hangout with. While I, even hesitate to suggest my preferences to the special someone. They are straightforward, will say no when they want to, while I act like a doormat.

But I am trying to be more confident in myself. I am treating the insecurities and negative thoughts, as just things that pass by. I let them pass. I give some time to myself before reacting. And I have been neglecting so many trivial things.

My therapist told me one thing, that I am not a magician or a mind reader. So I should just stop trying to read minds. Well, before she had said me this, I had myself started implementing this thought in my life as a result of my past experiences. I know now, that instead of assuming and reading between the lines, believe only when someone explicitly tells you things. Also, actions say it out clearly. Earlier in my school days, I used to be proud of being able to read between the lines, of being able to understand both the perspectives – right and wrong and somehow understanding why someone did what they did. I used to be proud of these abilities. But they have caused huge damage to me, more than helping me. These abilities only helped me in being empathetic for people and being there for them. But they also left me in a constant state of confusion, so much so, that I along with my friends started identifying me as a hypocritical person.

I still believe that most of the things are grey, and it’s only about how you see things, where you see things and when you see things, that changes your stand. It’s all subjective.

I am now, able to not hate myself in the sense that I don’t really see myself as a hypocrite. I see myself as more of being open to different perspectives and being ready to change my stand if I have enough reasoning. But here’s a slight twist. I mentioned here that I am open to different perspectives, but people and myself, have seen me as someone who’s restrictive to herself. That’s true. I don’t really like change. But that doesn’t mean I am not open to change. I need to be clear, I need reasoning and I need to create my backups in case things go wrong. I can actually say that I don’t like jumping into the water without knowing its depth. And I have enough valid reasons to be this kind of person. And I shouldn’t justify myself to anybody. Which technically, I am kind of doing as I am explaining these things on a public platform. Never mind…..

This past year I think, I have really changed. After my placement. Not justtt after the placement. But a few months after the placement. And I really feel good about it. I am more focused on myself. I have finally identified patterns and specific small things and thought patterns that I need to change.

Also, for the past few months, there’s been a dramatic and drastic change in my family life. But that change was much needed and for the good. It feels like the darkest hour before the dawn. And I, out of all the other members in my family, have the most hope of seeing that dawn. Maybe they can’t, but I can clearly see that these specific changes should have been done long back.

Fingers Crossed! And manifesting strength for me and loved ones! ❤

Also, I am going to give certain things a chance to just bloom. Going on, without thinking about what the future holds in that aspect. Flying off somewhere and seeing where things land after the next 20 days I guess? I am trying to just live my present. I don’t know how the future’s gonna be. So I might just embrace what I have now. Sounds pretty logical right? Haha…. Yes

Signing Off..

Remaining things…for some other time

Love ❤

Sheetal

Life Update!

Hi there!

Currently I am listening to Mayya from the movie ‘Guru’ as I type this blog post. I really love this song but I am listening to it after such a long time. So, yesterday, I was in a Twitter space. And someone from that space checked my link to this blog from my Twitter bio. I even received a mail from them that they read my blog and were happy to see that still there are people who blog! It felt great!! Also, because there are still people who are interested in reading blogs! Haha….. So Twitter peeps from yesterday’s Twitter space…. special Hi to you guys 🙂

So… Life Update, right? Um…. It’s a transition phase right now. A BIG transition phase to be honest. I have justtt completed my college and am waiting to join the company I have been placed at. I will be joining the company as a Software Developer. So, I am enjoying the last few days at home, probably a month more, before I join the office. (Let’s just hope they don’t give us Work From Home!).

Anyways, Last 2 months were golden! I trulyyyyy lived my life….every moment with my friends! Not that I wasn’t miserable during this phase (I was, due to my personal reasons which somehow aren’t leaving me for a while now). But these 2 months were pure bliss.

Our college didn’t open for the final year students. But we wanted to spend some last days with our friends before life takes a big turn. So we rented a flat near our college. Four of us lived in a 2BHK flat. Me, a Nrityam friend, a friend of friend(who just happened to be so caring and lovely and is now my good friend) and a super-sweet and caring Di. Initially, all four of us never happened to be staying the night together. One or the other person was always out. I joined them late. Then I went to a school friend’s place to join her office opening celebrations. When I came, Ak. (Nrityam friend) had gone for a short trip to another city. And things like these happened for quite some time until when we all finally came together. We had earlier thought to cook our own food rather than any tiffin. Haha, that was a mess in itself. Particularly for me! Haha.

Anyways, life mein itne bartan ni dhoye honge maine jitne pichhle 2 maheeno mein. We were on our own there!! Taking care of each other. Knowing each others’ secrets. Giving each other a shoulder to let them cry their heart out. Making dance videos and having a lot of fun. Those reasons that we found to go for a walk for chai! And spending an hour at the chai shop. Haha. We had our guy friends too living nearby. So we were meeting daily, even 2 times a day. For breakfast, and then for an evening hangout.

And now you must be wondering, didn’t we have any work? Itni vellapanti? Haha, then my friend let me clear it out. All of us had gotten placed by that time, our college was almost on the verge of ending. And exams were going online (the open book system).

So we did deserve those golden days after months of focused hard work for placements.

What was most soothing thing for me was, the late night walks/rides. We were glad that the city felt quite safe. It was pure bliss to feel the cool breeze while we rode. Why it was a bliss was because, you don’t know the scorching summer heat of my place dude!

Anyways, nights have always been my thing. I absolutely love them. The emptiness of anything that’s chaotic and a pleasant silence. Awareness of one’s own self and acceptance of one’s own thoughts while you walk down the beautiful streets and adore those beautiful homes all of which were uniquely built. Each giving a glimpse of the taste of the owners who have customised the homes according to their own imagination.

During these 2 months I bonded well with people I was not that close to before.

And how to forget the unforgettable Nrityam’s Year End Party. That was a blast dude. And TBH, I really liked how I looked that day. I have got some of my best pictures, danced so much. We first had a lot of fun events in the banquet, then shifted to the disc and danced off until the disc was smelling of sweat! Haha, gross, I know! But you must have seen the happiness in each one of us’ faces. Meeting after such a long time! Almost 2 years. And meeting people you’ve worked with passionately for a common love – Dance! ❤ We then came out for the lovely dinner under the clear sky, at the rooftop. Oh the hawayein! And udti zulfein that night! The night didn’t end there. We headed to a lakeside hangout spot. And on our way back,(girls had been taken till there in a car and who drove us! Our Sir!!) we were humming to the most beautiful songs which were playing in the car music system.

When we reached the lakeside, we had lip smacking ice-cream. And then, played music on the speakers that we carry to wherever Nrityam goes and started grooving to the beats. Post midnight! Damnnnnn……… Unmatchable experience it was! And I got 2 dance videos of mine that day which I absolutely love and am obsessed over.We didn’t want to go back home. But we had to…. ❤ Every good thing comes to an end afterall.

Aaj ke liye itna hi.

Baaki baatein kisi aur din continue karenge! There’s a lot more left to be told about the last 2 months.

❤