You don’t know

But I seriously miss you, dude ! ❤️ Can’t wait to see you. It’s gonna be a long time before we meet again and I also fear whether we’ll meet again or not. But trust me. I am dying to meet and spend more time with you. I fear you might move on which is […]

Life Update!

Hi there!

Currently I am listening to Mayya from the movie ‘Guru’ as I type this blog post. I really love this song but I am listening to it after such a long time. So, yesterday, I was in a Twitter space. And someone from that space checked my link to this blog from my Twitter bio. I even received a mail from them that they read my blog and were happy to see that still there are people who blog! It felt great!! Also, because there are still people who are interested in reading blogs! Haha….. So Twitter peeps from yesterday’s Twitter space…. special Hi to you guys 🙂

So… Life Update, right? Um…. It’s a transition phase right now. A BIG transition phase to be honest. I have justtt completed my college and am waiting to join the company I have been placed at. I will be joining the company as a Software Developer. So, I am enjoying the last few days at home, probably a month more, before I join the office. (Let’s just hope they don’t give us Work From Home!).

Anyways, Last 2 months were golden! I trulyyyyy lived my life….every moment with my friends! Not that I wasn’t miserable during this phase (I was, due to my personal reasons which somehow aren’t leaving me for a while now). But these 2 months were pure bliss.

Our college didn’t open for the final year students. But we wanted to spend some last days with our friends before life takes a big turn. So we rented a flat near our college. Four of us lived in a 2BHK flat. Me, a Nrityam friend, a friend of friend(who just happened to be so caring and lovely and is now my good friend) and a super-sweet and caring Di. Initially, all four of us never happened to be staying the night together. One or the other person was always out. I joined them late. Then I went to a school friend’s place to join her office opening celebrations. When I came, Ak. (Nrityam friend) had gone for a short trip to another city. And things like these happened for quite some time until when we all finally came together. We had earlier thought to cook our own food rather than any tiffin. Haha, that was a mess in itself. Particularly for me! Haha.

Anyways, life mein itne bartan ni dhoye honge maine jitne pichhle 2 maheeno mein. We were on our own there!! Taking care of each other. Knowing each others’ secrets. Giving each other a shoulder to let them cry their heart out. Making dance videos and having a lot of fun. Those reasons that we found to go for a walk for chai! And spending an hour at the chai shop. Haha. We had our guy friends too living nearby. So we were meeting daily, even 2 times a day. For breakfast, and then for an evening hangout.

And now you must be wondering, didn’t we have any work? Itni vellapanti? Haha, then my friend let me clear it out. All of us had gotten placed by that time, our college was almost on the verge of ending. And exams were going online (the open book system).

So we did deserve those golden days after months of focused hard work for placements.

What was most soothing thing for me was, the late night walks/rides. We were glad that the city felt quite safe. It was pure bliss to feel the cool breeze while we rode. Why it was a bliss was because, you don’t know the scorching summer heat of my place dude!

Anyways, nights have always been my thing. I absolutely love them. The emptiness of anything that’s chaotic and a pleasant silence. Awareness of one’s own self and acceptance of one’s own thoughts while you walk down the beautiful streets and adore those beautiful homes all of which were uniquely built. Each giving a glimpse of the taste of the owners who have customised the homes according to their own imagination.

During these 2 months I bonded well with people I was not that close to before.

And how to forget the unforgettable Nrityam’s Year End Party. That was a blast dude. And TBH, I really liked how I looked that day. I have got some of my best pictures, danced so much. We first had a lot of fun events in the banquet, then shifted to the disc and danced off until the disc was smelling of sweat! Haha, gross, I know! But you must have seen the happiness in each one of us’ faces. Meeting after such a long time! Almost 2 years. And meeting people you’ve worked with passionately for a common love – Dance! ❤ We then came out for the lovely dinner under the clear sky, at the rooftop. Oh the hawayein! And udti zulfein that night! The night didn’t end there. We headed to a lakeside hangout spot. And on our way back,(girls had been taken till there in a car and who drove us! Our Sir!!) we were humming to the most beautiful songs which were playing in the car music system.

When we reached the lakeside, we had lip smacking ice-cream. And then, played music on the speakers that we carry to wherever Nrityam goes and started grooving to the beats. Post midnight! Damnnnnn……… Unmatchable experience it was! And I got 2 dance videos of mine that day which I absolutely love and am obsessed over.We didn’t want to go back home. But we had to…. ❤ Every good thing comes to an end afterall.

Aaj ke liye itna hi.

Baaki baatein kisi aur din continue karenge! There’s a lot more left to be told about the last 2 months.

Running Away

I just realised that there is nothing in this life that’s making me feel satisfied. I am not finding my happiness. I am always trying to find it outside of me. And thus, even after that, when I am not at peace, I try to run away from my current place and start life all […]

Hey You!

Tried for very long to suppress my urges of a full-fledged relationship. Always tried to regulate myself from crossing boundaries that you wished for. But today it just feels irresistible. Irresistible thinking of you! You’re on my mind, no matter how much I try not to have your thoughts. Why is it even more difficult to stop thinking of you just after meeting? And Oh boy! You just always try to test my patience. You don’t understand the craving that I have just after meeting. I try to just chat with you for a while to calm down that urge, but damn, you’re never present and it just escalates. Making it even more difficult for me to take things lightly.

Is it a red sign to start having frequent dreams? Or are those dreams just ways to tell me, “Girl! Beware! You’re falling!”. But am I? I don’t think I am falling in love. But I won’t deny that I am starting to like more and more. Starting to crave the presence more and more. And now it seems it might just end. Or it might flourish into something totally beautiful. Chances are more of the prior. But! Damn. How do I tell you? I am trying to focus on important things… things to complete during the day. But my mind just strolls back to you! Our moments!

I want to spend more time with you. To hear your voice more. To know that you like me too. To hear that you too enjoy spending time with me. I want you to hear me speak without thinking. I want to speak out my stories to you this time.

Listening to your kinda songs just make me get weirdly good feelings. And at times I have to avoid listening to them to avoid your thoughts. But damn yaar….day by day it is becoming difficult to get you off my mind. And uspe bhi your late repliesssss……….. I am trying to not get obsessed with you…not to message you often and keep on waiting. But I fail…. I am still trying though!

A Sweet Encounter

After a few days of coming to this city, I was just going around the corner of my street to a stationery shop to buy a notebook. While gazing around I saw a girl around my age stepping out of the car and entering into a mobile shop with two men. It seemed a familiar face. On giving a hard thought, I realised who she was. With a smile on my face, I crossed the road towards that shop. Our eyes met and it seemed that she too recognised me. She gave a big smile and opened the shop door for me! Sheetal Ji….Hi ! And I was so happy that I shook hands and embarrassed myself little bit because the shaking kind of disbalanced us while entering the door. Anyways, wasn’t a biggg embarrassment, just a small, she would have hardly noticed. And then we started talking. I greeted her father too. It was her brother’s mobile shop. I expressed how happy it feels to meet someone you’ve mostly been in touch with through social media! She agreed. Why this was so special was because, I had been coordinating with her in one of the dance competitions hosted by Nrityam. I had returned back her nathni which had been lost in the stage after performance. Since then, we had been in touch through WhatsApp status. She is an amazing dancer. She was the winner in that competition and I remember the vibes that she had passed on with her Lavani performance!

I felt grateful because I had such amazing experiences in my college life, met totally new people, built healthy work relations with them, with people who shared the same passion for art as me, particularly performing arts! Becoming a part of an artistic network in the city is very special. You somehow meet people who knows someone you personally know, in the field of art, And that’s really special for me. I am grateful for all the experiences that specifically Nrityam has given me.

Yesterday some of my Nrityam friends had come to pick up stuff from hostel. And we met. We went for a boating ride at 8.30 in the night! Haha…. It was beautifulllllll….. Soft breeze and the cool water….what an amazing combination! And a medium-paced, swiftly moving boat on the lake was fantastic. It felt peaceful…. It felt wholesome.

Also, yesterday, my bestie from hostel & my classmate as well, came to spend the night with me. We had great fun chatting through the night for hours. I literally spilt out every damn thing about my life(love) to her. It was damn fun. We even shot a reel. It was so pleasing to see her get excited about dance and all! She had watched most of the Nrityam entry videos too… Haha… She’s such a darling! Always supporting whatever we do in Nrityam!

Confusion

Today I was chatting with a friend and he intrigued me into thinking whether I am doing the right thing by taking up this internship or not. Because of long work duration and not getting time to study. And now I feel a knot in my chest added to the confusion regarding whom to choose, that’s another thing that brings somersaults of anxiety in my stomach. I am stuck in a confusion whether what I am conforming to is ethically correct or not, for other people who are wishing to intern. By conforming, I am creating a market with sub-standard pay to interns will become acceptable. And I suddenly started feeling guilty for my decision. But I don’t want to feel guilty. Because this internship has given me an opportunity to lift up my ass from the chair and get into a productive routine. But I am feeling guilty. Also, I am alone in Raipur, so that feels bad too sometimes.

Void

I have realized lately, that I don’t feel fulfilled. There’s a sense of emptiness, a void that doesn’t seem to go away any time soon. Although I am constantly trying to get out of this phase, things just always spiral back. Even during happy moments, I am not truly happy. I mean, everything is so temporary. Two days I am fine, and the third day I fall back with a thud. And this repeats. I have recently relocated to a different city for an internship. 3 months in the city I am doing my college from. In the hope, that getting out of my house, from my hometown, will give me a breath of fresh air. Getting into a routine, working for a goal, although temporary by working in an office would bring me peace. Surely the first few days were fine. But today, I again feel that void, that loneliness. I am not able to connect to anybody the way I want to, the way my soul needs. I don’t know whether I am the one who is sabotaging my relationships by overthinking. But this time, it feels, no! I am not the one to be blamed. Although, I am the one, who, if compromises, can start the relationship again, but right now, I just can’t. I just can’t because of some very personal reasons.

Why does the same thing happen to me again and again?

It feels like I am neither here, nor there. I feel useless. I feel, I don’t have enough skills to move forward. I am literally sitting still, doing things that do sound interesting to me, but sometimes feel that all of them would go in vain.

There have been multiple instances in my life this past year, because of which I should have been very happy. But I am not! I don’t know what’s stopping me from being happy.  I can’t even say that I am at peace. There was the phase of my placement, of getting to know someone new, of getting in touch with an old special someone, of shifting to a city, alone, first time doing an office work, even though as an intern. But nothing made me feel completely accepting of myself. Happiness and contentment is very temporary for me. Actually, absence of them might not have caused a lot of trouble. But the problem is, I feel this void. Had I not been feeling this void, absence of happiness wouldn’t have caused me much trouble. The ones with whom I can really connect emotionally are the ones who have put boundaries. They don’t let me in, neither they become open emotionally. The ones who put in efforts, have their own troubles, which sometimes propagate to me and I get disturbed.

I just hope I find my way, find my happiness, and not be jack of all, master of none.

Parde mein rehne do…Parda na uthao

I am meant to not speak your name

It is meant to keep you hidden behind curtains

you expect me to keep this a secret…

but what should I do…if I wanna shout

shout loud that I love you from the top of the hill

To speak with joy, that I’m in touch with you again

To express how grateful that I can hear you again!

Sometimes I try and try to hide it all

but I can’t help it and utter your name

but I can’t tell them that I am in frequent touch with you

I have to deceive and say that I am just an acquaintance for you!

Once or twice I mention you to my loved ones

My eyes must definitely be shining that time, that I’m sure

One can easily identify the excitement in my voice

and that’s what gave away our secret years back.

Just now I talked about you to my mum

only to come in my room and go through the guilt trap

I am not supposed to speak to her about you

coz all I fear is…losing again…you!

Aaj Ki Baat

Found this in an old-torn newspaper supplement and wondered whether it’s growing exponentially in today’s time?

आज की बात !

जिस्म देना आसान
रूह छूने की कोशिश भी नाकाम
बाहों में बीती कई शाम
फिर भी होठों पे न हो एक दूजे का नाम

कोई पूछे क्या हो
तो हम यार हैं जनाब
सिर्फ चार दीवारी हो
हमारे रिश्ते की नक़ाब

दिल टूटा था
एक वक़्त तुम्हारा
टूटा एक वक़्त था
मेरा भी दिल बेचारा

दर्द से हम दोनों थे वाक़िफ़
दर्द से बचने ही , बन बैठे मुसाफ़िर
एक दिन जाना ही है, तो बांधे कोई क्यों धागे
अनजान होना ही है तो बुने कोई क्यों बातों के ताने बाने

इंसान तो हूँ मैं फिर भी
दिल को कहनी है बातें कई
कहूं किससे कुछ समझ न आये
तुमसे कहने जाऊं , तो हक़ नहीं है, ये मालूम आये

बाँध कर रखना नहीं चाहती तुम्हे
पर तुम्हारे साथ मिले चंद लम्हे भी गवाने नहीं मुझे
कश्मकश बड़ी है किसे समझाऊं
जब खुद से कहकर भी, शर्मसार हो जाऊं

कुछ नहीं है , फिर भी आवाज़ सुनने को दिल करे
पत्थर नहीं हूँ न बन सकती हूँ , इसलिए कुछ तो जज़्बात दिल महसूस करे !
ज़िन्दगी भर के वादे न सही
पल भर बस हो बातें प्यारी

आज की बात है ये
बातें अब हैं पलट चुकीं
प्यास तुम्हारी है कहना है कितना आसान
मोहब्बत है कहने की सोचना भी है गुनाह।

-Anonymous