Hi!
Pretty long right? Yes… Was just waiting to get enough urge which just forces me to blog again. Well, Life is a Circle it seems… It brings back and thrashes you with a thump at same points time and again…. To remind you of things, that are an integral part of your being. There are some things you realise that are never going to leave you throughout your lifetime… parts of your personality, your mistakes, your ignorance at some point, parts of your life you don’t wanna recall…. can be anything….
For me…. It has seemingly been my inability to deliver my best in a potentially amazing relationship. And the mental trauma I faced, after I realised how gruesome this mistake of mine had been… It took me a few years to actually come out of that thing… But seems.. I never actually came out. I was stuck.. I am stuck a bit to the same point. Because… after coming out of the second relation, my past trauma has come back! Weird.. I thought I had come out of it already…. Well just leave it… Fuckin’ enough of this Love shit…. I am done with that talk for today….
Well…. there were issues with me before college started and even when college started…. But the start of college also had a start of something else too…that led me to forget my state of mind…. I felt I am good.. I am happy… Maybe I was…
But from November end, things started churning up in my mind again. But because of Mood Indigo competition preparation and Nrityam, I was occupied… That released a bit of tension … I was a bit relaxed in their presence… But stillllll….. even in their presence there were moments I felt completely shitty… There were many times… tears almosttt welled up in my eyes… in the presence of all my team members… somehow they didn’t see those welled up tears… There was a night I remember… I was awake whole night…thinking about what wrong I had done to get this relation failed..and the next morning I had attended practice… Everybody in my team could sense… I was unhappy..sad..it showed on my face… They also knew what was going in my life… But somehow… it passed…
Then I got into something new.. I am happy with how things surfaced now… But there are still things that bother me… I sometimes feel… I ain’t able to express the immense Love I have for people I care about. It seems no one is concerned enough about me… Well I know… there are friends… my besties… my Parents… who totally Love me…. But who makes this mind understand this simple thing…. I don’t know what it is… But I crave for Love.
Yes I am accepting this fact… I don’t even know… how open I have become… to write all these out so openly…for the first time in my blog… I have this feeling.. — Sheetal ! You are writing about your life openly on the Net!’ And you know what, I still keep on typing…. My mind and heart now say….’F**k it…. Just let it go…..Just let it go…. Just get everything out… Don’t care a damn….I have nothing to fear about!’
You know, Dhaara had been telling me… to start journaling again…I said her yes.. But I didn’t want to… because it is tiresome to write down such complex, overthinking-born thoughts….. So I thought whenever I will have the strongest urge, when I wouldn’t be able to hold myself, then I would write. I did… a few times… But it was tiresome..
Today……. mind was damn damn damn active again… in a negative way… The negative thoughts weren’t stopping…So I just thought to journal.. but then..no.. it is tiring… So I thought why not blog… And it’s weird to say this… But just the thought of blogging…made me feel lighter in my chest…. And So… I took this step…after years… to blog…again…
And it feels good… as far as now….
My old blog friends… if you are still out there…reading my blog.. and remember me… Please drop a ‘Hi’ in the comments section. Would love to hear from you guys again!
Love ❤
