I was busy in making a music video for the past 1 month and that’s the reason I was inactive on my Blog.
Have a look at this. A video featuring my Dad!
Hope you all enjoy it!
And yes, please do comment your opinion!
I was busy in making a music video for the past 1 month and that’s the reason I was inactive on my Blog.
Have a look at this. A video featuring my Dad!
Hope you all enjoy it!
And yes, please do comment your opinion!
It’s been 2 years now… A good span of time! I love this place. It was two years ago that I started this blog, the day my Board Exams got over. And today, I had almost forgotten that today is the day- the special day, because I was busy preparing for another Board Exam tomorrow.
During these 2 years, a LOT has changed. Not just the physical suuroundings and me ageing physically, but a big inner transformation. There are also many important things in my life that remain absolutely same- some problems that don’t wanna leave me. But these two- three years of my life, I will remember with all its intricacies, with every minute detail, about how my Desire To Express my innermost feelings led me to start this blog; about how I came close to a side of Internet that led me to an awakening- to know myself more; about how I found out my passion; about how I started sitting at the window that opens a vast and amazingly beautiful world!
But unfortunately,the past year in this blog was not SO good, as I wasn’t able to devote my time here. But hopefully, after my exams I would be able to resume this journey full-fledgedly.
Dear Readers and co-bloggers,
Thank you for building such a beautiful place. It’s because of all of you guys! Each one of you all have contributed to build this amazing place. I hope we keep growing together… Years later we will have lots of stories of online friendship, support and inspiration to tell!
I would gladly like to tell you all that one of my dearest friends has joined this blog community. This is her blog –Urge To Write.
I hope you guys will like her writing as well. She writes amazing poems. Go check them out!
Thank You All!
I’ve never felt like this before.
Even if I’ve been through this back and forth.
Hate to have this kind of feeling,
That day and night seems like I’m dreaming.
No one will understand,
Since all they know is I’m your Stan.
No one will ever care ,
Since I’m just one of the mediocre out there.
Texting each other throughout the day,
Makes them think that I am your bae.
I don’t mind what they say,
So long as I’m happy feeling this way.
I’m always stalking on your Facebook profile,
Just wanting to see your tantalizing sweet smile.
This made me think for a mile.
What if we personally exchange those smiles?
Coin-sized sweat; armpit and hands are wet.
Trying to keep myself calm, ready and set.
I don’t want to ruin this night,
Since we’ll now be communicating in sight.
Time is ticking a little bit slower,
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Love is a funny thing wrapped with lies, tears and heartbreaks, and still, everybody wants to love someone.
But I don’t want to love you. Instead, I want to remember you; your soft voice, your delicate eyes, your gestures, everything.
I want you to be the memory that I would cherish forever. The way you flip your hair and the way you put that smile on, make me wonder why you aren’t obsessed with yourself.
I want you to be the sweet little wound in my heart that can stay with me forever, because a broken heart can be mended, but a heart with a wound take years to heal and yet the scar remains.
And I want you to be that scar, because love, I want to remember you.
I want to remember the little thunder of joy that I get whenever I see you.
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This is so damn good…. Every bit of it…. EVERY SINGLE WORD. Just…… heart wrenching, yet optimistic….
Everyone has a story and every story has a happy ending, but not every story has an end, some are left incomplete. This story was also left incomplete, it was left incomplete because, she was not able to understand and he was not able to explain. They never knew that they are walking on an incomplete road which was under construction and soon their journey would come to an end and their story would remain incomplete.
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Bematlab baaton pe ye aankhein ho jaayein ruansa
Bhari bheed mein, inko chhupana mujhe nahi aata
Behad mushkil ho jaaye jab kamzoriyon ko chhupana
Tab wahi asal mein kehlata hai – kamzor ho jaana.
Apne aap se gar hone lage nafrat
Pyaar doosron se hi dhoondha karte hain
Bechain ho jaate hain phir har cheez ko lekar
Phir khudi ko chot pahuncha baithte hain.
Zindagi bojh to nahi
Par bemanzil safar ban jaati hai
Aise waqt mein
Kaamyaabi bhi khush nahi kar paati hai.
Khud se door ho jaayein jab
Paida ho apni qaabiliyat par shak
Bikhar kar reh jaate hain saare armaan
Mar jaate hain saare jazbaat.
Khoye rehte hain khud mein hi
Phir bhi khud ka pata nahi
Waqt hai ki kambakht
Behtar hone ka naam leta nahi.
Nam hui aankhein ye
Sab dhundhla sa hua
Kya karoon kya nahi
Kuchh bas mein na raha
Samjhoon kaise koi samjhaye
Mujhe kya hua koi bataye
Dil kya kare jab khudi se
Shikayatein hazaar ho jaaye….
I don’t know at all, whether I would be able to put up my thoughts clearly in this post. I really don’t know, whether you will get what I am trying to say, coz I myself am quite unclear about it and too much messed up right now. It is something that I have been feeling for quite along time…I don’t know if you will think this as an excuse, as an escape from reality, because even I doubt myself sometimes that I am just making an excuse…
So, let me start. Teenage… most of the readers of this post might be in that age… because we have a sort of circle made up on the blogosphere. Thus, all of us know what it is to be a teenager in the 21st Century… I think most of you might agree to me when I say that Teenage is a phase of emotional turmoil. But, if it gets suffocating, then what? I don’t know where all this discussion is leading me to. But I just wanna go with the flow of my thoughts right now.
Honestly, recently, I have discovered, that almost every other batchmate, every other person who is of my age, has some or the other kind of emotional/mental problem. People who seem ordinary/average are in fact the greatest conquerors of fear, failures,etc. I have observed that people whom people thought were like nobodies( nobodies in the sense that – they had no special qualities or hobbies) suddenly started seeming so brave and heroic to me. That quiet, seemingly arrogant girl, sitting there busy completing her assignments on time, must have been going through a lot of responsibilities at home. That boy, who gets average marks, but has an idea about every concept and tries to answer, though may not always be correct, might be running errands at home, might be working like that man of the house. The most lovable, always laughing person might be sitting crying when alone. Every other teen out there has faced/is facing a lot of problems daily. But no one tries to understand them. Because mental well-being is not the prime concern of anybody at this age. Even friends can’t understand each other’s real mental state. Honestly, I myself got to know about some of my friend’s problems just now! When we have been friends for pretty good time.
Especially in the Indian scenario, during high school/ senior secondary school, most of us are very very tensed, stressed, depressed, under-confident, and what not! All are able to see and comment on how ‘out of hand’ we have gone as teens. All are able to see what all wrong we do. But nobody, really nobody sees how hard it has been to even stand in front of you all. You would be amazed to know as an adult, how deep our emotions have been as teenagers and how easily we get affected by everything. We do analyse ourselves and we do know ourselves. We are not all careless brats. Even the seemingly careless brats have great plans already made up.And when you see those careless brats doing great in school with awesome level of confidence, and amazing amount of positivity, you start questioning yourself whether you were wrong in being right, mature, careful and perfect in each and every step- the things that have drained you off of your energy now. Why are you not able to perform that well or why you are not able to give your best inspite of all the sacrifices, all the temptations you gave up to be a good student and a good child. You start thinking, why they can hangout, joke around, be aggresive, take part in all the other activities, watch movies, have very good relationships- whether friendship or romantic, but still can give their focus and still make persistent efforts to achieve their dreams. These are the ones who make the perfect balance in everything, these are the seemingly average students as most people term them as. But they are not! They have been through many ups and downs, ran to their friends at the emergency hours, faced being compared with the so called ‘bests’, heard scoldings for hanging out and wasting time, being shouted at to study, worked damn damn hard to reach that desired level of marks. These are the things that have made them strong now. Now, they can face anything. Just because they have went through them during the foundation years of their lives.
What about the extremes? People who are either at the top or very low in performance. What about them? The only difference is that after school life they might face problems which start showing up during the last years of school. Why? Because all throughout their school they could not become experienced in handling different situations. Issues related to Confidence, Interpersonal skills, Relationships, Maintaining a perfect balance between Personal and Professional life might show up. Those at top were always praised, those at bottom were never encouraged. So, when suddenly Life throws them challenges of entering a new phase after school, they struggle!
This might not be true for all. These are just the things that I have observed around me. These are the things that have concerned me and messed me.
The clock strikes 4 and just then Alifa reaches the studio. Neil was busy sorting the CDs and was playing one of them, analyzing the music. When he realized that Alifa has entered, he waved her.
“Hey! Come fast here. My head is just spinning like hell”, said Neil.
“What happened?” She puts down her bag and sits with him on the floor.
“I have listened to so many songs, but I’m not able to decide.”
“The more options we have, the more difficult it is to choose. Just a minute.”
She tears out a paper and hands it along with a pen to Neil.
“Here, take this. Let’s list out all the songs we know that match our theme, one which could be used in a Paso Doblè act”, said Alifa.
“Hmm….. You have a great mind, huh???” Lifts an eyebrow. “Cool, we’ll do like this.”
Neil stands up , goes towards the big mirror wall- one in which you could not only see your complete self, but the whole group dance together, the one which every dancer dreams to practice in front of. Their classroom was very big. The entrance door is at one corner of the rectangular room.
As you enter the room, you face the wall which is widest, covered full by the mirrors. Towards the right and left there are big windows, the ones of the Victorian era, with a rectangular frame and a rounded window top- like an arch, and their hung nice light blue floral curtains. The left and the back walls also have ‘ballet barres’. These are rods attached to the walls at a height from the ground, holding which you can do various exercises which require balancing skills or can even be used to help in stretching up- most commonly used by ballet students.
Neil sat down on the floor with his back rested on the mirror wall.
“Alifa, come here with me, I wanna relax”, said Neil.
Alifa also joins him. Alifa presses her palms on the floor and slides herself down so that she can rest leisurely on the mirror wall.
“The first song that I can think of is- umm – Man Basiyo Saanwariyo”, said Alifa.
“But that song would be – umm – a girl trying to grab the attention of a boy. But in our act, it would be I trying to control you coz you are the ‘BULLLLLL’ and I am the matador.” He gives a smirk towards the left side of his face.
“I am the bull???….. Am I???”
“Haha….. Hey! I mean, you’ll be…. in our dance…. Right???”
“Okay” (smiles) “Yeah, so we can’t take this. Cut it.”
“Come on dumbo! That’s for TAP and also it’s a fun song, can’t be used in a passionate and intense form.”
Lifts a brow. “Dumbo??? Revenge, huh?”
She circled the inside of our cheek with her tongue playfully and turned her face to the other side smiling. “Tu hi tu satrangi re?”
“Hmm… Not bad… It’s nice. Hey! I have something better. That song you remember?… What was it?…Umm…haan…Rama tu kya kiya… Something like that.”
“Hehehe… You can’t even remember a song… That song was –“
Alifa starts singing-
“Haye Rama yeh kya hua
Kyun aise hume satane lage…”
Neil also sings-
“Tum kitna achha gaati ho
Yeh aaj hume pata chale…”
Alifa realizes that she was swayed away by her inner hobby of singing. She was actually singing! So, quite embarrassed, she looked towards Neil and blushed. And quickly turned her face down looking at the floor.
Neil says, “I never knew you were such a nice singer…(smiles) Okay, this is it. We are going for this song.”
“Yeah, it’s a powerful song to dance upon. Its beats make my feet tap involuntarily. A passionate routine can be choreographed on that…”
They both gave a high-five to each other and started laughing.
Neil and Alifa were startled by the sound. Alifa’s heart started beating fast but just for a few seconds. 5-6 juniors from the Intermediate Batch slammed the door open and entered the room fighting with each other at the top of their voices.
“Hey, you were doing wrong…..”
“Neil bhaiya, Alifa di, can you please help us?”, requested a medium-heighted girl. “Samsons are out for an important work. We have some co-ordination issues, so we need somebody to check on us”, intervened the other guy who had been shouting the most a few seconds before. “Can you please just see where we aren’t in sync and correct our mistakes??”, said a girl with a puppy face.
Neil and Alifa looked at each other and smiled at the innocent seriousness of their Juniors and said together, “Yeah, why not? Let’s go…”
While coming out from the Intermediate Batch Studio…
Neil- Oh God! Our juniors are so annoying.
Alifa- Took the hell out of me. Hear my voice… my vocal cords have got ruptured; I needed to shout so much to calm them down… (She sees her watch) Oh My God! It’s 6:30. I need to get back home.
Neil- But we didn’t even start our practice yet.
Alifa- Yeah, I know… But I can’t stay back. My mom is a bit ill today and no one else is at home. So, I need to be with her.
Neil- Even if you stay, it’s no good, coz we have no idea what we are going to do.
Alifa- Yeah, exactly. Tomorrow, when Samsons will be back, we’ll discuss with them about our routine.
Neil- Yes we would surely do. But before that we need to do our homework first.
Alifa- ??? (She gave him a puzzled look.)
Neil- We need to see some videos first, to get ideas. Umm… You told you have some DVDs… Why don’t we have a look at them at your home?
Alifa- Yeah, we can but…
Neil- No ‘but’s. See, you’ll be with your mom and we’ll get our work also done.
Alifa- Okay, then. Let me call my mum first…
Neil- No, don’t tell her. If she knows that a friend of yours is coming there for the first time, she’ll start preparing something for me… Afterall… Indian moms you know. She needs to rest. Don’t tell.
Alifa- Okay.(She blushes hidingly and says to herself, “Aww! He’s so considerate.)
They reach Alifa’s home at about 6:45 pm. Her mom opened the door.
Alifa- Mom, he is Neil. I am performing with him in the Qualifiers.
Neil- (Joins his hands) Namastey Aunty! How are you feeling now? Alifa told me you aren’t doing well today.
Mom- Oh Thanks, beta! I am fine now. I was sleeping the whole day as I had the house all to myself with no one disturbing me. Haha.
Neil- Yeah, you look fine. Great!
Mom- Come in, beta.
All enter the house.
Mom- What would you like to have, Neil? Something hot or cold?
Neil- Nothing Aunty, don’t worry. If I want something, your daughter is there no? You just rest. By the way, I am here for a work. You get well soon, then I will surely come for a ‘daawat’- prepared by you. Now, fine?
Mom- Yeah, okay. Haha!
Alifa’s mom heads towards her room. Alifa too follows her.
Alifa- Mom, he has come here to watch those Annual Function DVDs. Don’t worry, he’ll leave early. And he is just a classmate and my dance-partner, nothing more than that.
Mom- (slapped her lightly) Dumb girl! Did I ask you for explanation? Neil is such a nice boy and girl you don’t need to give so much explanation, unless I ask you to, of course! Go, get something to eat and drink.
Alifa- (Smiles and hugs her mom) You are the best, mummy!
Yes, Alifa was quite considerate towards everyone. Even though she had parents with quite modern thinking, she always tried to see situations from their point of view and took each step according to that. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, even unintentionally. She always thought many times – both about the ‘pro’s and ‘con’s- before doing anything.
However, her parents were just opposite. They trusted her and always let her do whatever she wanted to.
Alifa brings two cups of hot coffee. Neil is sitting on the sofa in front of TV, sorting out the DVDs that Alifa gave him. Alifa hands him the coffee and sits down on the sofa too. Both sip coffee and see the dance routines and discuss. Alifa was really tired so she dozed off to sleep on Neil’s shoulders.
Neil turned to face her, to get her upright and rest on the sofa. But he couldn’t. Something struck his soul and heart and his heart went fast. What it was, even he didn’t know- it could have been Alifa’s face – average looking like any other girl but with beautiful eyes or it might have been her cute face with a peaceful smile while sleeping or it could have been her entire personality.
What struck Neil for a moment, made him think not to disturb her peaceful nap. He didn’t want t disturb her. So, he let her rest on his shoulders while he watched different dance videos.
It became quite late watching those videos, as the clock struck at 9:30. Neil realized that it was too late. He thought that Alifa’s mom was sick, so it wouldn’t be good if she has to prepare the dinner. He didn’t want Alifa’s sleep to break off either. And he didn’t know how to cook. His heart said to him, what is it, that has made him so much caring, especially for Alifa whom he barely knows. But he shooed away these thoughts and decided to continue with his former thoughts. He decided to order the dinner from a restaurant.
He waited for 20 minutes when the door bell rang. He turned to put Alifa away from him. He was about to grab her shoulders, just then Alifa herself woke up due to the continuous ringing of the bell. She realized, she was resting on his shoulders. She looked at him to analyse his reaction. She caught his gaze. Both looked into each other’s eyes. Alifa’s rose-petal eyes met Neil’s almond-shaped, slightly round, pearl-like eyes, so white and shining, with a black dark pupil. It was only after a few seconds that they realized that and Alifa turned away from him, quite embarrassed. Neil also didn’t know how to react.
He rose up from the sofa, went to the door, opened it, took the bag with dinner in it and handed it to Alifa, told her why he did so, and left.
Alifa was quite amazed seeing all that was going on in front of her eyes. Alifa’s hidden inner analyst wouldn’t let her sleep tonight.
Alifa was tired that night, but since she had taken a short nap, she thought she is fine now. So she decided to study for at least an hour. She took out her Political Science book. Yes, she was an Arts student and so was Neil. But it was not even 10 minutes since she had opened her book that she started feeling restless.
It was weird and surprising, how caringly he acted today. I was resting my head on his shoulders and he didn’t even wake me up. I woke up when the doorbell rang. It was shocking for me to realise that we were so close to each other. I was confused what was happening to me. I looked into his eyes. I could see the same confusion in his eyes. First time in my life I saw him like this. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that we would be so close. My heart started pounding fast. But my eyes were stuck on his and his on mine. I could feel some connection between us. But what was it?
No, nothing is there between us more than friendship and dance partnership. I like him quite a bit and that’s why I am thinking all this. I always over-analyse things.
But why did he care for me so much? Oh God! Ahh, don’t I know that he is a very friendly person and can do anything for his friends. It was just a small friendly act – that dinner and all – of course it’s a bit uncomfortable to me since I am not used to such caring behavior even from my male friends. When they do it, even then sometimes I feel uncomfortable, coz I’m an introvert. It is nothing more than that. Ahh! My head is aching. I should go to sleep else my head will burst.
(While lying on his bed)
What happened to me today? I have done these kind of things to so many friends before, including girls, but why does it feel different so different today? Ah, No! It is nothing. It is just because she’s still a not a close friend of me. She’s just my dance partner and my classmate and still I did this for her, that’s why I feel awkward.
When I saw her resting on my shoulders, it seemed she was very peacefully sleeping and it felt like she belonged there and she owned that place. When we caught gaze of each other, I felt her eyes so captivating that I couldn’t take my eyes off her. But I was confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me.
It’s all normal, nothing special. It happens sometimes. I am tired now.
(And he slept.)
Today was the day one year ago, that I started on this life-changing journey in this blogging world. And today, I feel proud to have been welcomed by the amazing people here. Not all discover this place, not all experience the joy of writing here, not all experience the elation to meet new people, not all are into blogging, not all gain the gifts it has in store for all of us, free and impartial.
Last year, this same day, I had my last Board exam. The year had been going the worst. I had never ever experienced such mental issues in my life. But, today I can proudly say that I have moved on far from that state of me, far from that dark era, far from that low-point. And I have won over it, if not completely, then at least I can say that I am almost over it now.
My introduction to this beautiful corner of universe made me realise that Internet is not just entertainment or those social media accounts or just Google or just the researches that we do for our projects. It is so much more than that. To have stumbled up and landed on this site was one of the best parts of my life and I am 200% sure that I would never regret this decision.
Even after getting pretty good results in Boards, there was something that was constantly bothering me, even I didn’t know exactly what it was. I had shared many of my feelings and also about my condition on my blog and when I heard the same stories in a different way from other fellow-bloggers, I gained some confidence. I read about how they coped with their problems and it made me think how much these guys have strength in them. Those bloggers inspired me to strive to work for my well-being. And I tried. But it was not within a day that I changed.
To be a part of the teen community which consists of people with such brilliant minds is something which binds me to WordPress. I am the kind of person who knows the virtual threats, but still doesn’t step back to make friends online whom I have never met. And trust me, the risk is worth it if you have the confidence to handle problems in this virtual world, if any.
The last one year of my life can be termed as the ‘Internet’ era. Yes, not just WordPress, but there’s this another site that I have been very active on. And that is Quora. This is a question-answer website where I read really attractive answers to different varieties of questions from many amazing people. And I have had nice conversations with a few of them. Trust me, meeting and socializing with people, and and and learning something from each of them is the best thing you can do to yourself while just having a simple chat with people. By writing just now about inspirations, I remembered something that I wanna share with y’all.
This blog has given me two nice friends. And they are the ones whom I have been missing from quite some time.
These are Amy from Every Word You Say and Rachel from everythingrachel1. These girls have become my net-buddies. But they are inactive here from quite a long time. Amy is probably busy at her University for which she was really excited from so long. So, if any of you guys read this, I wanna tell you that I have been missing you and I want you to update me with all the happenings of your lives! 😉
I had always wanted to voice my thoughts. And this blog has given me that channel. And somewhat it has made me addicted here on WP. Now addiction doesn’t mean that I post daily. But, if I have got something to say and it’s an important issue for me I will definitely put it up here. And this gives me so much freedom and independence.
I love exploration. And when I explored this site which I had become a fan of, I recommended it to my friends and three of them have followed my recommendation and have started their own blog. One hasn’t written anything yet though, but the other two have 2 and 1 posts respectively. I am sure if you guys follow them, it will motivate them to write more.
So here are their links. Please check if you are free now!
So, coming up to my journey again. Well, nothing much is left to tell you know. But yeah, as I have said in my earlier post, I would like to write it again.
Writing has helped me eradicate my worries, my tensions, my mind’s preoccupation, my sadness, my anguish, my outbursts of frustration.
Starting a blog made me curious to explore the internet world more. The past year, I have started reading books. But the ones I actually enjoy are the books which are not written by those pro-authors, but they are no less than the pros. They are like you and me. Probably busy in their schools or colleges or initial years of job. But again, like you and me, they also find time to pursue their passion. They write and they beautifully write.
So, I would like to tell you about another site that I have been using past maybe 6 months. The site is BookRix.com. This is a site where anyone can have their own books published in the form of an e-book. And they are super-fun to read.
I have read a Howl In the Night by Lorelei Sutton – a common fantasy story of werewolves. But what makes such books special for me is the personal touch that the authors give to the characters. So relatable and so attractive characters that you long for those qualities to become yours. This is true not only for the story that I have told you about, but I think it is true for almost all the books at BookRix coz the authors there, are people of our age. And that is the most striking feature that appeals to us to logon there and read some amazing stuff. I am currently reading the MoonCreak series by J A Booker. If you feel like, you can search these books there on BookRix.
So, yeah, that was all that I wanted to share about me and my one year long journey here on my lovely blog Desire To Express.
I hope this journey continues as long as I live and every year becomes special and each year I learn something more, earn something from here more and experience something from here more, much more than this year.
I hope this Teen Community of such amazing people flourishes more and does something good to someone.
Cheers to WordPress!
Cheers to all the Bloggers!
Thank you all so much for walking by me on this beautiful, magnificent, mesmerizing and a life-changing journey.
And, Congratulations to me for my Blog’s 1 year anniversary!!!! J
Love You All