Is that what you wanted?

Have you ever been in a situation, where you just got what you had always wished for, dreamt of?  Like, all your life, whenever something odd happened or even on some really good occasions, have you thought that…maybe just if I would have that one thing or that one person… I would have been the […]

Happy International Dance Day

So today, we uploaded a video celebrating International Dance Day. Here’s the link if you want to see it…   So, today is special because first of all today is 29th… 🙂 And because… a very very special thing happened today.. Palki Malhotra Ma’am commented on our YouTube link..!!!!!!!! Yesss!!! 🙂 ❤ So it happened […]

Music is my healer! <3

Chalo… I finally found what’s the best thing that works out for my mental state…. who’s my healer…. It is none other than… MUSIC….. So… today I don’t know how, but I just landed onto Prateek Kuhad and The Local Train’s songs…I had been avoiding The Local Train’s songs for some unknown reasons… But I […]

23rd April 2020

Last night, a few rejections to my requests to some people for contributing their efforts for a project led me feel demotivated and taken for granted, especially because of rejections from people for whom I could gladly bend my boundaries. I was really feeling freaked out.. Last night I just slept out listening to some […]

Random

I am trying to give up certain things for now.. to just gain some mental health.. to relax my mind a bit.. Well… today I saw a video on Shantanu Maheshwari’s Instagram page… it was like all the D3 boys have time travelled from 2015 to 2020… The thing that’s strange is that…. We Nrityamites […]

What is it?

Hahahaaa……

Head feels heavy, breathing is fast, chest feels tight…

What is it? I know what I am going through… But I don’t exactly know why…

I just wanna get out of my house and live alone. I don’t want to live with anyone. I want to figure out myself. I want some peace. It’s not that I have a problem with anyone. It is just that, I have a problem with myself and myself only. I am always upset, disappointed with myself. I try a lot, but I can’t just help it. I curse myself. I don’t wanna be with this version of myself.

 

And this fuckin’ lockdown. When will it end? When will I go to college again. It is approx 2 months from now for college to begin. I will get  mad.

Better Day

So right now, it’s 1.00 am… I am listening to this new song ‘Genda Phool’ and I am just obsessed with the female Bengali part… It’s honey to the ears…So today was a better day as compared to previous few days. I woke up late today as usual. But as soon as I woke, I […]

Head feels heavy

So… I slept off whole of this afternoon… I don’t know why… but I just hate days and love nights… I have a high body temperament all the time.. thus I like nights which are cooler compared to the days… I am just learning Turkish and Arabic these days on Duolingo. I want to be […]

Life Is A Circle

Hi!

Pretty long right? Yes… Was just waiting to get enough urge which just forces me to blog again. Well, Life is a Circle it seems… It brings back and thrashes you with a thump at same points time and again…. To remind you of things, that are an integral part of your being. There are some things you realise that are never going to leave you throughout your lifetime… parts of your personality, your mistakes, your ignorance at some point, parts of your life you don’t wanna recall…. can be anything….

 

For me…. It has seemingly been my inability to deliver my best in a potentially amazing relationship. And the mental trauma I faced, after I realised how gruesome this mistake of mine had been… It took me a few years to actually come out of that thing… But seems.. I never actually came out. I was stuck.. I am stuck a bit to the same point. Because… after coming out of the second relation, my past trauma has come back! Weird.. I thought I had come out of it already…. Well just leave it… Fuckin’ enough of this Love shit…. I am done with that talk for today….

Well…. there were issues with me before college started and even when college started…. But the start of college also had a start of something else too…that led me to forget my state of mind…. I felt I am good.. I am happy…  Maybe I was…

But from November end, things started churning up in my mind again. But because of Mood Indigo competition preparation and Nrityam, I was occupied… That released a bit of tension … I was a bit relaxed in their presence… But stillllll….. even in their presence there were moments I felt completely shitty… There were many times… tears almosttt welled up in my eyes… in the presence of all my team members… somehow they didn’t see those welled up tears… There was a night I remember… I was awake whole night…thinking about what wrong I had done to get this relation failed..and the next morning I had attended practice… Everybody in my team could sense… I was unhappy..sad..it showed on my face… They also knew what was going in my life… But somehow… it passed…

 

Then I got into something new.. I am happy with how things surfaced now… But there are still things that bother me… I sometimes feel… I ain’t able to express the immense Love I have for people I care about. It seems no one is concerned enough about me… Well I know… there are friends… my besties… my Parents… who totally Love me…. But who makes this mind understand this simple thing…. I don’t know what it is… But I crave for Love.

Yes I am accepting this fact… I don’t even know… how open I have become… to write all these out so openly…for the first time in my blog… I have this feeling.. — Sheetal ! You are writing about your life openly on the Net!’ And you know what, I still keep on typing…. My mind and heart now say….’F**k it…. Just let it go…..Just let it go…. Just get everything out… Don’t care a damn….I have nothing to fear about!’

 

You know, Dhaara had been telling me… to start journaling again…I said her yes.. But I didn’t want to… because it is tiresome to write down such complex, overthinking-born thoughts….. So I thought whenever I will have the strongest urge, when I wouldn’t be able to hold myself, then I would write. I did… a few times… But it was tiresome..

 

Today……. mind was damn damn damn active again… in a negative way… The negative thoughts weren’t stopping…So I just thought to journal.. but then..no.. it is tiring… So I thought why not blog… And it’s weird to say this… But just the thought of blogging…made me feel lighter in my chest…. And So… I took this step…after years… to blog…again…

 

And it feels good… as far as now….

 

My old blog friends… if you are still out there…reading my blog.. and remember me… Please drop a ‘Hi’ in the comments section. Would love to hear from you guys again!

 

Love ❤