How I Ruined My Life!

Well, life isn’t over yet, but a major and very important part of life is over! MY SCHOOL DAYS!

I don’t know whether I have become ignorant or what, but I just don’t care about certain things the way I used to. I don’t miss the school that badly which I expected to. Maybe it is because we have dreams that we look forward to which are more important now than looking back. But still, I feel that I have lost a part of me. My thoughts are messed up. Maybe you will get entangled in the misplaced strings of my thoughts and fumble. This year is going to be a bit difficult for me coz I have ruined my life so badly that I need to clean up all the mess this year. I have to compensate for the things that I could do, but I didn’t. I have to move on and accept the beautiful things that are in front of me, rather than thinking that I deserve them or not. But it is all difficult. To know, that you don’t deserve it, but still you get that privilege to feel special. It is difficult to accept such a thing. It is difficult when you know that all through you have been wrong. Still, you are given something that not many are given. It is easy to forgive others, but it is damn difficult to forgive yourself. Coz we know what all wrong we have done. We know what good have we done, but we don’t want to hide our wrongs behind our good deeds. Because, we know ourselves in and out. We really can’t hide anything from ourselves. It’s always there in our sub-conscious mind. And someday or the other, we have to face our own truth.

 

So, how exactly did I ruin my life.

 

First, I always said to myself, today isn’t perfect. I couldn’t start my day the way I wanted to. So, I wouldn’t start my work today. Let me leave it for tomorrow when I will start the day perfectly and everything will go the way I planned. My mood is off today. I am in no position to study. Let me start off tomorrow when I will feel well. The truth is, there won’t always be a day the same as you planned. Not always there will be preferential circumstances. That’s what life is about. To survive even when situations aren’t in your favour. Well, I couldn’t survive, coz I didn’t realise this fact. And I kept on procrastinating. There came a time when I lagged behind so much. I started underestimating myself and then came the inferiority complex. Thinking of all those people who have been working hard day and night and then looking at myself- I got utterly disgusted at myself for being such a bad person. All the negativities grew up inside me.

 

Second, holding on to past. I never could move on with certain things in my life. I always payed heed to even the smallest detailing in everyday events of my life, giving importance to even the needles in the haystack, when the needle was not even needed. And that’s when I decided that I wouldn’t care anymore. Maybe that’s why I have become ignorant. Or maybe I am just tired of all the overthinking and over-analysis that I have been doing past so many years. I am a different person now. I have done certain things going out of my way, way out of my character. I  have initiated conversations, I have tried to overlook the thought of ‘what people will think’, I have ended certain things with a heavy heart and have started certain friendships with a brave step. But do I love my new personality? Well, I don’t know! At this point of time, I am just blank! Totally blank! Not having fulfilled my parents and teachers’ expectations when I had the potential to. But I would be honest to myself and tell that I did try to do better, but I tried when it was too late.

 

Third, I never could express my feelings. I could never. I could never take steps to spend time with my loved ones. Never could I take steps to let them know how much I cared for them. And this is one of the things that I highly regret and will be regretting throughout my life. And this is something that I can never ever mend. Coz I won’t ever get a chance again. Coz even if I get a chance, it would be very inappropriate to express them.

 

Fourth, I always took time for granted in pursuit of perfection. I never wanted to settle for anything less than perfection. And perfection demanded time. And this pursuit for perfection is not only for the big things in my life, but even for the small day to day happenings. And because of it, I have lost many wonderful opportunities in my life. Opportunities that I could have grabbed and could turn into beautiful memories. And thus, I don’t have many memories to cherish, only a handful! And only those handful memories have been in replay mode since all this time and that makes me mad and obsessive. But I am happy for one thing at least. That I started grabbing opportunities and lately, there have been certain successes in this field! 🙂

 

Knowing about what all wrong I did, doesn’t mean that I am over all of them. But just that- I am midway in mending them. Hopefully, I would be able to clean up the mess in my life, that I myself have created and I would be able to be a happy person!

 

Thanks for reading a post full of negative truths!

 

Thank You!

 

*EDIT –  Because of this post, I landed up on a post related to ‘How to let go of Perfectionism’ if it is having negative effects on you. Here’s the link if any of you are going through the same thing.

https://createcoachingconsulting.com/free-yourself-from-perfectionism/

 

 

Kya Karoon

Bematlab baaton pe ye aankhein ho jaayein ruansa

Bhari bheed mein, inko chhupana mujhe nahi aata

Behad mushkil ho jaaye jab kamzoriyon ko chhupana

Tab wahi asal mein kehlata hai – kamzor ho jaana.

 

Apne aap se gar hone lage nafrat

Pyaar doosron se hi dhoondha karte hain

Bechain ho jaate hain phir har cheez ko lekar

Phir khudi ko chot pahuncha baithte hain.

 

Zindagi bojh to nahi

Par bemanzil safar ban jaati hai

Aise waqt mein

Kaamyaabi bhi khush nahi kar paati hai.

 

Khud se door ho jaayein jab

Paida ho apni qaabiliyat par shak

Bikhar kar reh jaate hain saare armaan

Mar jaate hain saare jazbaat.

 

Khoye rehte hain khud mein hi

Phir bhi khud ka pata nahi

Waqt hai ki kambakht

Behtar hone ka naam leta nahi.

 

Nam hui aankhein ye

Sab dhundhla sa hua

Kya karoon kya nahi

Kuchh bas mein na raha

Samjhoon kaise koi samjhaye

Mujhe kya hua koi bataye

Dil kya kare jab khudi se

Shikayatein hazaar ho jaaye….

1st BLOG ANNIVERSARY

Today was the day one year ago, that I started on this life-changing journey in this blogging world. And today, I feel proud to have been welcomed by the amazing people here. Not all discover this place, not all experience the joy of writing here, not all experience the elation to meet new people, not all are into blogging, not all gain the gifts it has in store for all of us, free and impartial.

 

Last year, this same day, I had my last Board exam. The year had been going the worst. I had never ever experienced such mental issues in my life. But, today I can proudly say that I have moved on far from that state of me, far from that dark era, far from that low-point. And I have won over it, if not completely, then at least I can say that I am almost over it now.

 

My introduction to this beautiful corner of universe made me realise that Internet is not just entertainment or those social media accounts or just Google or just the researches that we do for our projects. It is so much more than that. To have stumbled up and landed on this site was one of the best parts of my life and I am 200% sure that I would never regret this decision.

 

Even after getting pretty good results in Boards, there was something that was constantly bothering me, even I didn’t know exactly what it was. I had shared many of my feelings and also about my condition on my blog and when I heard the same stories in a different way from other fellow-bloggers, I gained some confidence. I read about how they coped with their problems and it made me think how much these guys have strength in them. Those bloggers inspired me to strive to work for my well-being. And I tried. But it was not within a day that I changed.

 

To be a part of the teen community which consists of people with such brilliant minds is something which binds me to WordPress. I am the kind of person who knows the virtual threats, but still doesn’t step back to make friends online whom I have never met. And trust me, the risk is worth it if you have the confidence to handle problems in this virtual world, if any.

 

The last one year of my life can be termed as the ‘Internet’ era. Yes, not just WordPress, but there’s this another site that I have been very active on. And that is Quora. This is a question-answer website where I read really attractive answers to different varieties of questions from many amazing people. And I have had nice conversations with a few of them. Trust me, meeting and socializing with people, and and and learning something from each of them is the best thing you can do to yourself while just having a simple chat with people. By writing just now about inspirations, I remembered something that I wanna share with y’all.

 

This blog has given me two nice friends. And they are the ones whom I have been missing from quite some time.

These are Amy from Every Word You Say and Rachel from everythingrachel1. These girls have become my net-buddies. But they are inactive here from quite a long time. Amy is probably busy at her University for which she was really excited from so long. So, if any of you guys read this, I wanna tell you that I have been missing you and I want you to update me with all the happenings of your lives! 😉

 

I had always wanted to voice my thoughts. And this blog has given me that channel. And somewhat it has made me addicted here on WP. Now addiction doesn’t mean that I post daily. But, if I have got something to say and it’s an important issue for me I will definitely put it up here. And this gives me so much freedom and independence.

 

I love exploration. And when I explored this site which I had become a fan of, I recommended it to my friends and three of them have followed my recommendation and have started their own blog. One hasn’t written anything yet though, but the other two have 2 and 1 posts respectively. I am sure if you guys follow them, it will motivate them to write more.

So here are their links. Please check if you are free now!

voiceoffeelings

saffrontrailabliss

 

So, coming up to my journey again. Well, nothing much is left to tell you know. But yeah, as I have said in my earlier post, I would like to write it again.

 

Writing has helped me eradicate my worries, my tensions, my mind’s preoccupation, my sadness, my anguish, my outbursts of frustration.

 

Starting a blog made me curious to explore the internet world more. The past year, I have started reading books. But the ones I actually enjoy are the books which are not written by those pro-authors, but they are no less than the pros. They are like you and me. Probably busy in their schools or colleges or initial years of job. But again, like you and me, they also find time to pursue their passion. They write and they beautifully write.

So, I would like to tell you about another site that I have been using past maybe 6 months. The site is BookRix.com. This is a site where anyone can have their own books published in the form of an e-book. And they are super-fun to read.

I have read a Howl In the Night by Lorelei Sutton –  a common fantasy story of werewolves. But what makes such books special for me is the personal touch that the authors give to the characters. So relatable and so attractive characters that you long for those qualities to become yours. This is true not only for the story that I have told you about, but I think it is true for almost all the books at BookRix coz the authors there, are people of our age. And that is the most striking feature that appeals to us to logon there and read some amazing stuff. I am currently reading the MoonCreak series by J A Booker. If you feel like, you can search these books there on BookRix.

 

So, yeah, that was all that I wanted to share about me and my one year long journey here on my lovely blog Desire To Express.

 

I hope this journey continues as long as I live and every year becomes special and each year I learn something more, earn something from here more and experience something from here more, much more than this year.

 

I hope this Teen Community of such amazing people flourishes more and does something good to someone.

 

Cheers to WordPress!

Cheers to all the Bloggers!

 

Thank you all so much for walking by me on this beautiful, magnificent, mesmerizing and a life-changing journey.

 

And, Congratulations to me for my Blog’s 1 year anniversary!!!! J

 

Love You All

-Sheetal

Struggle

Life becomes miserable

at one point of time

In spite of all the happiness outside

it’s sheer loneliness inside.

 

You feel

“you are at your lowest point,

you can’t go beneath that,

so all there’s left

is just to rise

rise & rise & walk up and high

until you reach your set goal.”

It is a hope

which you have got instilled in your heart.

You are confident throughout

that in spite of all the odds out here

you will come up as a strong person.

You even start stepping forward to that way

but the result is only to your dismay

You instantly realise then,

all this time you had been showing

off of you, which is not at all you

All this time, you felt empty inside

but had created a group of friends around you.

 

You try to work for

what you want to achieve

but a sudden random incident from the past

throws water over all your hard attempts.

You feel again and realise

how broken you are

unable to devote yourself

to anyone completely.

 

There comes a time

when you can’t even cry at bad times.

But there also comes a time

when you try to find excuse to cry

just coz all this time

you had been accumulating your tears

and they had to come out some day.

So, they come unexpectedly sometimes

with no reason, when it is not a bad time!

I am grateful to you

Date: 20th Feb’2016

This life is so strange. This world is so weird. Sometimes, the people whom you least expect from, give the best happiness in an awful time. A call from a long lost friend made my day so good, but at the same time made me so sad. Now, I can’t help but keep on thinking of the golden memories of the past which seem far today, which are so precious to me. The past of any person always seems so beautiful. And in teen life, it seems like a mirage, amidst the search for an oasis in our deserted lives. My aunt had once said, ” Don’t be so emotional, it will make things difficult for you.” Guess she is right. Why can’t I be practical? Even the small events trigger my memory and I, sit with a heavy heart, longing for those days to come back.

 

Sometimes, you don’t realise anything unless someone points it out to you. That friend said me, “Yaar, those days in Francis were the best days.” Then I realised, how good days I have spent and am still spending here. No bunking of classes, no revolutionary rule-breaking, but still that enjoyment; life was so good then.

 

But today, I fear to go back to my memories to live them again. I fear, I will get lost in them again. But that doesn’t mean I’ve stoppped being nostalgic completely. At times, they do haunt me. People from the past come to my dreams out of nowhere, so often. There are many people whom I will not tag as my Best Friends, nor will they, but still they all have played such an important role in my life, that I can never forget them in my wildest dreams.

 

I thank you all my friends (my classmates and all other schoolmates) from the past and the present as well, for sharing such beautiful moments of life with me!

 

It’s not important that those people remain your friends for life, but every single moment that you enjoyed with someone- known or unknown, important to you or not, that each moment is a bliss and that is what we call the true gift of life.

 

This is why humans are social animals. This is why humans and all other living beings have emotions. No matter how practical we become in life, our emotions are the driving force of our behaviour. These emotions are our topmost priority. And these emotions are all what really matter to us!