Out of Order!

Yes, I am out of order these days. I am out of my physical as well as mental order. I don’t know why. I think it is because I have nothing to think about these days and it is said ,”An empty mind is a house of the devil.”

I have been suffering so much these days. I don’t have a good routine. I wake up whenever I want, I sleep whenever I want – be it the day time or night, I just keep on using Internet, and my most favorite timepass -TV- is also away from me these days. These days are my summer vacations. It has been 1 and a 1/2 months since the new academic session has started and still I have not started with my self studies. I have given my Board Exams one and a half month before and I decided I would relax for sometime and then start again for class 11th with full and fresh energy.

But I failed to regain that energy, that consciousness, that sound-mind, that ready-to-work behaviour. I don’t know why.

All my classmates and friends have already started to prepare for 11th, 12th and other competitive exams.

And I am still there where I was 1 and a 1/2 months before.

I am ambitious. I think about my future. I have pretty well decided and defined what I want to do in future and when. But I fail to execute. How can I start to execute my plans if my mind is not ready. My mind needs something to occupy it- but that occupation should not be of thoughts- that occupation should be the ‘processing’ required to complete various tasks. And then surely I would be ‘in the order’.

But still I wonder HOW?

I know everything about me coz I have analysed things a lot (more than required).

But I am still there, where I was 1 and a 1/2 months before.

In the hope of ‘my’ revival !

-Sheetal

TIME

Really sometimes, your time is seriously bad, no matter how much you try to make it good, correct everything which is going on wrong. It just doesn’t work sometimes to correct your time.

Now it is high time for me. I really have to figure it out. I have to figure out the solution to my problem.
I exactly don’t know how to detect depression through scientific or clinical method. But I really do know its normal symptoms which match with my behavior enough to prove that I have been suffering from severe depression from a long time.
I don’t know whether I am correct or not about this coz I have not visited doctor to talk about this problem of mine. I may or may not have depression, but for me, the mental conditions which I am experiencing are no less than depression.
Constantly, I have been acting weirdly, outbursts of anger to my parents, especially my mom, are common these days and they do make me feel guilty. But what else can I do to remove my frustration.
This condition of mine has been since a few weeks before my Board Exams. I can’t even imagine now how difficult it was for me to cope up with this mental instability and study for exams. It’s a wonder to me today, how I studied during that horrible time. I was initially depressed not because I was pressurized to score good marks in exams, but because of some problems in my personal relations. These problems led me to initial stages of depression. I realized that my mental condition is not good and because of that I got more depressed and feared that I might not perform my best in exams. And that led to more severe depression. Even after my exams ended, the initial problem of mine did not combat. I was still in depression. Last week, I was in a severe-severe depression. This was the most deadly time. My daily routine during this fearful week was- I returned home from school, ate my lunch just after, then I either sat on internet for 3-4 hours at a stretch or I would go to sleep for 4-5 hours. Then again I would sit on Net or just wander here and there with down face. My mom obviously noticed that something was wrong with me because she was the one in the family to face my fits of mad anger the most, but she can never ever imagine the extent to which I am disturbed.
These days my mind was always preoccupied with negative thoughts and I was undergoing obsession.
These days I prayed to God daily to make me normal.
But, a few days back on 10th April, I don’t know how- may be because I shared a bit of what’s going on in my life to one of my best friends, that I felt a bit happy and relaxed that day.
I was really very happy that I was finally able to come a bit out of depression. I think it was too much for me to face it now. That’s why I became a bit normal.
I really thanked God at night that day and requested Him to bless me and keep me normal further.
The next day 11th April also was quite a happy one. I was taking lunch with my father, and mother was also sitting there idly. Me and my father were discussing something laughing. We always talk a lot while taking lunch or dinner about wide variety of topics and mother always listened to us frustrated coz we talked with the TV on. So it was always quite a noisy eating time. But the last week, I lacked that kind of conversation. My mother had noticed. So when on 12th, I was laughing and discussing with my father about something, my mother said, “Aaj dekhi hoon isko ek hafte baad hanste hue.” (Today, I see her laughing after a week.)

That’s true!
I laughed approximately after a week. I am lucky enough to have coped up with this problem in just a week of severe depression and after months of ‘slight depression’.
Others, especially of my age, may be suffering from ‘severe-severe depression’ from months or maybe years.
I whole heartedly pray to GOD for the mental well being of my these fellow beings.
But still time remains bad. Some or the other bad thing happens. I cry also. But I try not to turn that cry into hours of sadness. Instead I try to forget it and look forward to future. But still its very difficult.
One can face physical ailment, but it is very very hard to come out of mental instabilities, disorders, preoccupations, obsessions, depression, etc.
And once you come out, you are a true fighter. To have faced such mental illness, is an act of bravery, courage, which everyone can’t handle.
But time does not change so soon. If bad time comes, it will remain for long. So we can’t wait for it to change to come out of our mental problem. In that bad time itself we have to make ourselves stronger and stronger with the hope that soon good days will come back.
And yes, ‘Good Days’ will surely follow. After having faced such bad time and depression, and coming out of it while bad time still persists, when good days will come you will be proud of yourself.
You will surely be!!!

Cheers
Love
Best Wishes to all!

Sheetal