Well, life isn’t over yet, but a major and very important part of life is over! MY SCHOOL DAYS!
I don’t know whether I have become ignorant or what, but I just don’t care about certain things the way I used to. I don’t miss the school that badly which I expected to. Maybe it is because we have dreams that we look forward to which are more important now than looking back. But still, I feel that I have lost a part of me. My thoughts are messed up. Maybe you will get entangled in the misplaced strings of my thoughts and fumble. This year is going to be a bit difficult for me coz I have ruined my life so badly that I need to clean up all the mess this year. I have to compensate for the things that I could do, but I didn’t. I have to move on and accept the beautiful things that are in front of me, rather than thinking that I deserve them or not. But it is all difficult. To know, that you don’t deserve it, but still you get that privilege to feel special. It is difficult to accept such a thing. It is difficult when you know that all through you have been wrong. Still, you are given something that not many are given. It is easy to forgive others, but it is damn difficult to forgive yourself. Coz we know what all wrong we have done. We know what good have we done, but we don’t want to hide our wrongs behind our good deeds. Because, we know ourselves in and out. We really can’t hide anything from ourselves. It’s always there in our sub-conscious mind. And someday or the other, we have to face our own truth.
So, how exactly did I ruin my life.
First, I always said to myself, today isn’t perfect. I couldn’t start my day the way I wanted to. So, I wouldn’t start my work today. Let me leave it for tomorrow when I will start the day perfectly and everything will go the way I planned. My mood is off today. I am in no position to study. Let me start off tomorrow when I will feel well. The truth is, there won’t always be a day the same as you planned. Not always there will be preferential circumstances. That’s what life is about. To survive even when situations aren’t in your favour. Well, I couldn’t survive, coz I didn’t realise this fact. And I kept on procrastinating. There came a time when I lagged behind so much. I started underestimating myself and then came the inferiority complex. Thinking of all those people who have been working hard day and night and then looking at myself- I got utterly disgusted at myself for being such a bad person. All the negativities grew up inside me.
Second, holding on to past. I never could move on with certain things in my life. I always payed heed to even the smallest detailing in everyday events of my life, giving importance to even the needles in the haystack, when the needle was not even needed. And that’s when I decided that I wouldn’t care anymore. Maybe that’s why I have become ignorant. Or maybe I am just tired of all the overthinking and over-analysis that I have been doing past so many years. I am a different person now. I have done certain things going out of my way, way out of my character. I have initiated conversations, I have tried to overlook the thought of ‘what people will think’, I have ended certain things with a heavy heart and have started certain friendships with a brave step. But do I love my new personality? Well, I don’t know! At this point of time, I am just blank! Totally blank! Not having fulfilled my parents and teachers’ expectations when I had the potential to. But I would be honest to myself and tell that I did try to do better, but I tried when it was too late.
Third, I never could express my feelings. I could never. I could never take steps to spend time with my loved ones. Never could I take steps to let them know how much I cared for them. And this is one of the things that I highly regret and will be regretting throughout my life. And this is something that I can never ever mend. Coz I won’t ever get a chance again. Coz even if I get a chance, it would be very inappropriate to express them.
Fourth, I always took time for granted in pursuit of perfection. I never wanted to settle for anything less than perfection. And perfection demanded time. And this pursuit for perfection is not only for the big things in my life, but even for the small day to day happenings. And because of it, I have lost many wonderful opportunities in my life. Opportunities that I could have grabbed and could turn into beautiful memories. And thus, I don’t have many memories to cherish, only a handful! And only those handful memories have been in replay mode since all this time and that makes me mad and obsessive. But I am happy for one thing at least. That I started grabbing opportunities and lately, there have been certain successes in this field! 🙂
Knowing about what all wrong I did, doesn’t mean that I am over all of them. But just that- I am midway in mending them. Hopefully, I would be able to clean up the mess in my life, that I myself have created and I would be able to be a happy person!
Thanks for reading a post full of negative truths!
*EDIT – Because of this post, I landed up on a post related to ‘How to let go of Perfectionism’ if it is having negative effects on you. Here’s the link if any of you are going through the same thing.